We did it... well ok it was mostly you guys in the states... but I can still be included in that "we" thing can't I? Afterall, I sent in my vote...

He did it!!

I fell asleep with my laptop on and this morning I was woken by a former student (and current caretaker of my Monte). I heard the bing of gmail chat asking if I had heard the news. It was 6AM here and that's how I found out. I think I did shed a tear, but it was more for pride than misery as it has been in the past few elections. When I woke up at 9AM, I saw Obama's victory speech... my goodness do I hope he delivers!

349 to 147...
You GO USA!!!!

I can't remember the last time I felt some pride for my country... it's not that there aren't so many things I love about it and are even proud of. There really are! But lately, these last few years, American pride has felt more and more like an oxymoron to me, and I think to many others too... but then suddenly, bit by bit it creeps back in... well, I hope so anyway.... I can feel bits creeping in already!!

The envelope please...

El hombre de Barcelona gave me an envelope when I was in NYC, I was told to wait until I was on the plane to open it. I waited until I was over the Atlantic because with all the excitement it wasn't the first thing on my mind. Within the envelope made of handmade paper, were two sheets of handmade paper; one very rough and the other with leaves embedded in it. The third piece of paper is a picture of a rainbow, a tree and a road seemingly to no leading to no where (or maybe somewhere). On that paper included the following text....

As we grow up, we learn that even the one person that wasn't supposed to ever let you down probably will. You will have your heart broken probably more the once and it's harder each time. You'll break hearts too, so remember how it felt when yours was broken. You'll fight with your best friend. You'll blame a new love for things an old one did. You'll cry because time is passing too fast, and you'll eventually lose someone you love. So take too many pictures, laugh too much, and love like you have never been hurt because every sixty seconds you spend upset is a minute of happiness you'll never get back.

Dont be afraid that your life will end,
be afraid it will never begin.

Send this to all of your friends in the next 5 minutes and a miracle will happen.

I send it to all of you... but in a little longer than a minute.. but miracles are already happening.

PS... the interview was interesting, nice guy, seemingly nice business, we will talk again.

Missing home.

I just noticed this post in my drafts and got a giggle out of it so I decided to post it even though it seems like it's from ages ago.

Two weeks until I leave my home and everyone I know to cross the ocean and experience something new. Something new? Well, lots of 'somethings' new I think. A friend asked me recently if I will be able to live without the American lifestyle things I am used to, or I guess for how long really. It made me think.

My first response would be, "Sure, no problem." The truth is I do not know, mostly because I don't know what I will miss. I won't miss typical American things like Walmart or McDonalds, I never go to those places anyway plus I can't stand that they even exist. I won't miss the crazy consumerism which no matter how hard I try and resist, I am still somehow a part of. Though, in my defense, I don't shop nearly as much as many of my fellow Americans and I don't shop on credit. What I buy, I pay for with cash. I might miss my car sometimes, but I feel so good about not buying gas and further polluting the world that I don't mind not having a car at all. It'll be nice to be a part of a world that doesn't depend on their own vehicle to get them places. So what American things will I miss I wonder.

Well of course there are my friends and family. My true friends will remain true whether an ocean divides us, or merely a neighborhood. My family will stick by me through thick and thin and we are so scattered these days anyway, it's rare that I get to see them at all. Though since I planned this trip I have seen all but one or two cousins in the past few months, not to mention my brothers, father and mother too (oh yes and my one and only aunt). Still though, I will miss them, it's true... most especially my girlfriends.

Everyone keeps saying to me don't worry you will meet some hot Spanish guy and you'll have a man in no time, as if this is all I am searching for. What I think I will long for the most is friendships, like the kind I have now only different because everything will be different. So how does a girl like me meet a girlfriend when she can barely speak the language? That remains to be seen. People who have known me a long time tend not to believe me when I say I can be shy, but the truth is I become shy in new situations when I care about the outcome. I tend to close up and over think things a bit... well, ok, maybe more than a bit.

Long before my separation, I have been trying to simplify my life. Selling things, giving them away, storing them in boxes in the basement that eventually were either sold or given away. I became so tired of shopping for something to do, though seriously, I was never as bad as most. My biggest downfall is clothes and shoes and I know women with far larger closets than I (though I have always had some envy of that). Even that has slimmed down drastically.

My job? Will I miss my job? My first response would be no way, but it is June and so I am burnt on the kids, the politics and the bull shit that goes along with the work that I do. I am very ready for a change there. I imagine, after sometime, I might get to a point that I miss it, but I am not totally convinced of that either.

The truth is only time will tell what I will miss, or not miss. The nice thing is, home will always be here because here is where I know I am loved.

poco a poco

Little by little.....
Photo by KMZ age 6

Another weekend spent preparing for the 'next step'. My head is spinning from one 'next step' to the 'next step'. My brother and my dad helped me with my resume this weekend. My dad helped me write and rewrite like he used to do when I was in college stressing about papers that were soon to be due. It was nice to have that kind of support from them. Two were resumes sent out yesterday and silly me was disappointed when there was nothing in my inbox today... I guess some days are like that.

This weekend I also practiced my español... sentía muy bueno... it felt very good. I've been doing a lot of reading and writing Spanish, well some anyway. This weekend I focused on listening and speaking. I was shy at first, but kept listening and repeating and then making my own little sentences... it was fun and it feels good on my mouth :)). The best part was on Saturday night, well kinda, Karen's dog got loose and it was pouring out . I was home alone responsible for the lovely, little beast. I kept walking around the neighborhood calling Chester over and over again! Each time I saw someone I asked if they had seen a black dog... one guy said yes, another no. Then I ran into two guys who,when asked, just looked at me as if I had four heads. So it hit me... I thought for a second and said, "¿Donde es un perro negro?"... "Where is a black dog?" ok... that was as the closest I could think of to "have you seen?". It was funny because I was so proud of myself, I was smiling from ear to ear... they laughed and one guy said, "Dog? No". Oh well, I tried. I even made my tongue roll a bit (perro). I am sure they walked away thinking... 'loco gringa' o...no... 'gringa loco'.... funny.

So I guess that was another little taste of what is yet to come. Hopefully though, in españa, I won't be looking for un perro negro.

PS. Chester made it home safely at around 1AM... and he is really a lovely little beast... I wasn't just saying that.

Rolleringgggggggggg

OK. I am still trying to figure out how to post the actual song that goes along with the lyrics (below) by Melanie Safka. Meanwhile here is the link to the YouTube video. Just click on the title of this post!

The lyrics will have to do for now and as soon as I figure this damn thing out I will put the song on too!!Very catchy little ditty... and I don't say that just because I bought a brand new pair of roller blades today:
¿Or do I?

I Got a Brand New Pair of Roller Skates

I rode my bicycle past your window last night
I roller skated to your door at daylight
It almost seems like you're avoiding me
I'm okay alone, but you got something I need

Well, I got a brand new pair of roller skates
You got a brand new key
I think that we should get together and try them out you see
I been looking around awhile
You got something for me
Oh! I got a brand new pair of roller skates
You got a brand new key

I ride my bike, I roller skate, don't drive no car
Don't go too fast, but I go pretty far
For somebody who don't drive
I been all around the world
Some people say, I done all right for a girl

Well, I got a brand new pair of roller skates
You got a brand new key
I think that we should get together and try them out you see
I been looking around awhile
You got something for me
Oh! I got a brand new pair of roller skates
You got a brand new key

I asked your mother if you were at home
She said, yes .. but you weren't alone
Oh, sometimes I think that you're avoiding me
I'm okay alone, but you've got something I need

Well, I got a brand new pair of roller skates
You got a brand new key
I think that we should get together and try them out to see
La la la la la la la la, la la la la la la
Oh! I got a brand new pair of roller skates
You got a brand new key

Don't have a visa or a job, but by golly I have new skates!!!

One step at a time... breathe

Oh Captain, my Captain

When I moved to Key West it was the first time in my life I was on my own. It was also the first time in my life I didn't have a dog, so it seemed only logical to get one. The thing was, I always had dogs with my family, this was the first time I had one on my own and didn't realize the responsibility he would bring. I remember the day I went to the pound to pick him out. I wanted a small dog but found this cage full of a litter of beautiful little puppies, so I climbed in and played.. I was scratched, licked, sniffed and loved it. There was one little puppy who just sat and watched as I played with the others. His eyes told me he was mine. We left together that day and on the way home it was decided he would be called Captain... seemed appropriate for a dog born on a semi-tropical island. Little did I know how appropriate. Captain was the best, he was the kindest, friendliest soul I have ever known. He was adventurous, loyal and wanted nothing more than to be by my side. Two things I used to say about Captain and they still hold true. One is that he was an angel sent to me from the lord above via the pound... lol... I have never been a religious person, but I always believed Captain and I were meant to be together. The other was that Captain temporarily satisfied my maternal instincts. I wanted so badly to be a mom, even then and I knew I wasn't ready. I knew I had to have my life together before I brought someone else into it. But Captain was the perfect fix for that. From him I learned the importance of being responsible for another being, I learned what it is to love unconditionally and to feel unconditional love. I learned how to look in someones eyes and feel what they are feeling and understand what they need. He could just look at me and I would know... I never felt that way with anyone before, maybe it's kinda sad that he was "just a dog" but I don't think so. I think he was part of the life long process of learning.

He was with me through so much and I sacrificed a lot to keep up my responsibility for him. But he also gave so much. When we lived in Key West, he would ride in my bicycle basket. We would go all over town and people would ask us to stop just to get a picture. Being a very dog friendly town, he could come into bars with me. I would just tap the bar stool and he would jump up. I could put a twenty on the bar and he would set his paw on it... getting us a drink almost instantly. Ahhh yes... us.. Captain's favorite drink was a White Russian. I would let him have little tastes from my straw. Sure he would drink Margarita's or rum and cokes too, but he always seemed partial to White Russians. More that anything he loved to swim and he could go for hours swimming at the beach or in the pool or even in a hot tub. He even learned to use the ladder to get in and out of the pool in the backyard. Several times I caught him sleeping on a float in the pool, just floating around, enjoying his life.

When I moved back to NY, Captain and I found a basement studio apartment in the home of a lady named Alyce. She was very good to me, but it was no secret that she liked him better. She would "borrow" him from me all the time and take him for walks and hikes. We were lucky to have found her. The best was the first time he saw snow. He really loved the snow. In his tracks you could see four paw prints and one tongue print going from side to side, he couldn't get enough. So many Captain stories... so many in my mind.

I am grateful to have know him. I remember the comforting feeling I would get by listening to him snore by my side every night. As he got older the snoring got louder and louder. The sound never bothered me, but eventually I realized he was struggling to breathe. We tried everything to help him... meds, surgery, acupuncture, chiropractic adjustments, diet changes... but alas the time came when I had to let him go. I couldn't watch him suffer and deteriorate any more.

On April 4, 2004 I brought him to the vet for the last time and held him close to me as the vet injected him with a shot that ended his life in seconds. I held him and looked in his eyes so he wouldn't be afraid and assured him all would be ok and that we would see each other again. He was cremated shortly after that and the ashes were delivered to my house days later. I have held on to them for four years.

Today I let go. I went to Robert Past Park on the Hudson. The same place Ken and I had our wedding reception. I sat on a rock and cried as I let go of each handful of ashes. I remembered all the good times and the love that remains so strong
.
There at the park I also let go of the negative energy that has been plaguing me for so long. Yesterday, Ken went to India. I suppose some might say I should have been there mourning the loss of the man I spent the last 13 years of my life with. But honestly, I feel a sense of freedom. In many ways Ken is a good man, but his energy tended to over power mine all too often. He has always been on the look out for destruction and doom and didn't really get how to look on the bright side of life. I do. I always have. I thought maybe I could show him, teach him, rub off on him... whatever... but I couldn't at least not for long. The past few days he has been so scared and nervous about his trip. He has been reaching out to me and I allowed it once again. After all, don't I want to remain his friend? But the thing is, I think by being there for him, I have held him back and even though I tried like hell to encourage his growth, I held him back. In doing so, I also held myself back. I don't blame Ken for this. I take responsibility for my part. All I want is to grow and experience. My life is changing ever so rapidly and I am taking all the steps I need to to make sure it is all healthy for me
.
I will always have a place in my heart for Captain, but it is time to let him go.
I will always have a place n my heart for Ken, but it is time to let him go.
For the two I say thank you for giving me what you have and I wish nothing but the best for you.

After all was said and done... I skated around the park reminding me of what is yet to come.

----------------
Now playing: Neil Young - Neil Young & Stephen Stills - Long May You Run
via FoxyTunes

Being there

My friend J called me Friday night saying she need some TLC... although I had been home from work sick for three days, I grabbed another gf went over and spent some time with her. She is losing her mother, to a slow painful death, which of course is hard for any child to see, no matter how old. We didn't talk much about her mom, but we spoke of many other things. We drank some wine and laughed... laughter and friendship, the best medicines anyone can need. After a while we found ourselves slow dancing to French music in the kitchen and comforting one another... I imagine it would have looked pretty funny for an outsider to see three women holding each other and dancing slow but to us, it was just what we needed.
In my high school yearbook, under my picture, it says, "If you can't be with the one you love, love the one your with." Under that it reads, "I'm just a soul who's intentions are good, oh Lord, please don't let me be misunderstood." Funny that it still holds true today and not just for me, for most anybody. Sometimes we feel like we need more or someone else and sometimes it is just important to appreciate what we have right here in front of us. I was glad J called and told me she needed a friend, as I was in need of some friendship myself and certainly giving is more rewarding then taking... I love my girlfriends... each and everyone.
On another note, while my employer hasn't officially given my leave request approval, my job was posted on Friday. Looks like I will be approved. I spent hours on the phone on Friday trying to figure out the best plan of action for employment in Spain and visa's and so on... it's confusing as hell...lol... but I think I have a solid plan and will be ok... or maybe even better than ok. I know for sure that I am doing the best I know how.
Spring is nearing... I can feel the life coming back to my world. I love this time of year.

change

It's been a while since I have written anything here. So much has been going on and I have been so busy, it's not that I haven't been writing, I have, I just haven't felt ready to share. This week was rather intense though and I guess it's time to write some. Tuesday, March 25th, Ken and I became legally separated. It was a strange feeling, we walked into that hideous city office building and found ourselves a notary. After signing all 4 copies, we sat outside on a bench for a bit, neither one of us knowing what to say..."thanks?", "it's been real?", "have a good life?"...ummmm so we left and hugged good-bye. What a bizarre feeling when both sides know it's for the best and the thing is we don't even hate each other... I mean I have no doubt we have our moments of anger or maybe even hate, but most of the time, we don't hate. I feel fortunate. We always said that if our marriage came to an end we would remain as amicable as possible and I feel like we are truly doing that.

So that was Tuesday, Wednesday I saw my mom who was up from Florida just to help a friend move from Fort Lee, NJ to Florida. Arlene, mom's friend, has been a friend to my family since before I was born. She was a secretary to my dad back in the day. Funny how she and my mom have remained friends throughout all these years. She makes me laugh and I'm glad my mom has a good friend like that.

Thursday... the last day for my Len Ct house to be mine... the closing. Sadness and relief all rolled into one. I am grateful we were able to sell and I am pleased that the new owners seem so happy about buying it. They are a lovely couple, with two beautiful children. The children came to the closing and even though they are just 2 and 4, they were perfectly behaved... I was so impressed. I feel good knowing that such a lovely family will be living in my Len Ct. haven. I always thought that house deserved a family... any family would be lucky to live in such a wonderful place... funny how it's just not for me anymore, even though I still have love in my heart for it.

Friday... TGIFF!!!! What a week and I didn't even mention the chaos throughout my school day!!

But alas... Friday... on this day I handed in a letter to my Director requesting a one year leave of absence so that I can study Spanish and teach English as a Second Language (ESL). I've already signed up for language school in Valencia, Spain for July and am searching for the right online class to take for ESL certification. I'd need to do something different for a year, as much as I love my job, it's very exhausting and has an extremely high burnout rate... I'd like to go back, but for now I need a break before I get to the point of no return and wind up hating every day as some of the teachers I know. I couldn't bare that.... I need to love what I am doing otherwise how will I be any good to the myself or the kids?

Finally, happy hour amongst friends, colleagues, people with whom I have a mutual respect... Lots of laughs and positive thoughts... sure we bitch and moan, but when I'm at work and I need something, these are the people I know have my back... each one of them. We are there for each other like a well-oiled machine. We all bring something unique and important to our program. When we are out together, I can feel our strength and so can others (and not just because we are loud and rowdy)... we are warriors, fighting for the kids no one else will fight for. Loving them, respecting them, influencing them and sometimes even making a difference. I love my job and am so grateful to be part of this team..... but enough already!!!! I need a break!!!!

And through all this change, I found my hope stone, it had been missing for a while and I knew it couldn't be far. Ironically, Thursday night it was returned to me after having clogged Karen's washer... it was a bit battered, but still beautiful. I told her how many times this stone has come back to me. Including when I lent it to a man who really needed it. Although the man returned the stone to me, I hadn't seen that man again until last night, the day after I saw the stone again.... weird right? Well he, Eric, joined us for dinner and there were 6 of us and we ate lots and he, quite generously, picked up the tab... I was shocked, so I once again offered him the hope stone, assuring him I didn't need it because at the moment, I am full of hope!!!!!!! I hope that was thanks enough.

Whoa what a week! Is it July yet?

Len Court

The first time I saw this house, I knew I wanted it. The location, its sturdiness, the woodwork and the little dead end street, I loved it all. As we walked around for the first time, I felt at home and like it fit us. We put an offer in right away and the owner thought it over. He was in the house when we first looked so he told us about all the work he had done and also what he'd like to finish doing, but just no longer had the energy. After he thought for some time, he decided he wasn't ready to sell and took it off the market. We were crushed. This was May 2002, one month after Ken and I were married.

Instead of doing nothing, which was certainly an option, I decided to write the owner a letter. In it, I told him how much we loved the work he had done and how we really felt comfortable there. I also agreed with his plans to continue renovations and make it a comfortable home for us. Finally, I asked him, that if he should ever reconsider, to please contact us and give us a opportunity to buy it. I dropped the letter on his porch under a rock and a little hand painted frog I had sitting on a shelf. It's funny because I don't know why I gave him the frog, I just did.

For months we looked at other houses and nothing appealed to us like Len Ct. I was hooked on that house. Then one day in September, I was rushing around getting ready for work, when my heal got caught on the stairs and I sprained my ankle (same ankle as the other two sprains). I spent the morning in the ER then home with some pain killers, a blanket and my TV. Early afternoon, there was a knock on my door, it was the owner of the Len Ct. house I loved so much. He said he was ready to sell and if we still wanted it, he wouldn't even show it to anybody else. He also said that the little frog I had given him, sat on his window sill in the kitchen, so he often thought about us because of it. In addition, that if we did buy the house, the frog would be included.

Long story short, we bought the house and spent the past 5 years working hard to make it look exactly how we wanted it to .... The problem is, I guess, that we didn't work enough on other things too. We became engulfed in home improvements of the material kind. What that got us was a gorgeous looking home, filled with frustration and anger.

So now, we have signed a binder for the next owners. They love the place and all we have put into it. They also love the idea of the community in which it belongs. There are not too many places left that have such a strong sense of community. We were lucky to have been a part of it. Kingston is a great town, I love it here, but Len Ct,. to me, is the most special place in this town. I am glad to be passing the product of our hard work and dedication on to the next couple and I hope they find peace and happiness there.

It looks like we will be closing by the end of February... it's almost over, and although it's hard, I have never felt more free to be me... never ever...I want to take full advantage of this time and be the best I can be. Though I am nervous, I am looking forward to the changes that are and will be taking place in my life.

Only one year left!?!?!?

On this day, in one year from today, the United States America will be swearing in a new president.... now the countdown may begin.

When sworn in for a second time (and how this happened, I will never know!) Bush gave world leaders a choice between oppression and freedom. He stated that it would be the policy of the US to end tyrannies and support democracies in every nation and culture. Furthermore, he claimed that the US would help spread freedom, but not because we believe we are a chosen nation, but because it is a permanent goal of mankind.... to him I say, so long as there are leaders like you in the world, we will never be free.
He spoke of freedom for minorities throughout the world, but let our own citizens of New Orleans suffer horribly after Hurricane Katrina (8/05) ... they are a minority, didn't they count.... some are still living in moldy trailers, and learning in moldy schools. Other fled New Orleans, a city they called home, displaced and unable to ever return. They are hungry, poor and suffering... why doesn't he fight for their freedom from oppression?
He claims America "brings the highest standards to our schools", but we as teachers are under-staffed, over crowded and are being introduced to a whole new population of children many of which can barely read or write and are very angry! These are the same children Bush promised to protect under his "No Child Left Behind Act"... I am only one teacher, in one small part of the country, and I can't even count how many children I know that have been "left behind" since this glorious act came to be.
During previous wars, presidents have turned to the people of the US and asked them to help out. Help by conserving metals or food, entering women and minorities into the work force, buying bonds, saving money, supporting soldiers, etc... This president has asked nothing of us during the invasion except to be patient, because it will be quick anyway. In fact, why is there no government campaign for us to conserve all and slow down our dependence on non-renewable resources. How about tax breaks for alternative heat sources and energy for cars. Most people I know have turned down their heat several degrees this winter, but that's mostly because of the high costs. We need to feel like we are doing something right... like a morale booster... ok USA let's get together and stop using so much oil... not because it puts a hole in out pockets, but because if we work together, we might make a difference... and we want to make a positive difference... and the world might notice....
Oh, well, we have been asked to keep the economy going by shopping more. In fact, we have even been encouraged to shop for homes by lowering interest rates... all of which keeps 'we the people' in debt which leads us to fear... which leads us to need to be led... and sometimes blindly.... the psychology behind it all sounds a bit paranoid... but only if you let them make you think so.
My fear is the next president won't be much different. I wish someone would stand up and say, "America are you ready for a change? No... I mean a genuine change!" I love this country for so many reasons, but every day I become more disenchanted and embarrassed of its behavior. I am ready for a change... I can feel it deep in my bones....

The world is watching us, what will happen next????

New home

December is here, another year come and almost gone. So much has happened and changed in my life this year, I can hardly believe it. I moved in with a friend yesterday, I'll stay here for a while at least. Its nice, I have the attic room finished and cozy. I'm still unpacking and trying to make it feel like my very own. Work keeps me busy as usual and I have been doing a lot of reading, writing and painting again...though not so much this weekend. It snowed today, first time this season.. It was nice to see, but I always like it better when it snows on a school day, feel like a little kid all over again when I get the phone call saying there is a delay or better yet no school at all.

Although it feels good to move on, it's also kind of sad to leave. It's funny, I think this experience has caused both Ken and me to grow, but we continue to grow in different directions. I think we will both be ok, but we have a lot to work out and to work on. The good news is we are both trying, so I think that counts for something. Please feel free to email or call either of us... it helps to know people are supporting.

By the way, I'm taking my first European vacation... Spain from Christmas Eve to New Year's Eve!!
I'm looking forward to enjoying every bit of it.

My horoscope for 2007

Leo

Your sunny disposition will bring harmony into your life this year, resulting in an integration of all that you are becoming. Your love for pleasure and natural beauty will help you recreate yourself. You are dynamically active with lots of friends and group associations, and you love diversity and stimulation.

Guard against taking on too much responsibility this year, otherwise you might end up feeling overloaded. Take care of your personal needs, and maintain your sense of well being. You seek comfort and security, and you'll benefit from periodic retreats and spending time in nature in order to keep positive boundaries. This is a good time to explore your inner character and high standards, and reevaluate what you believe is important.

The passion you feel this year will lead to a powerful relationship you may have never known. Examine your connection to your past and assess how it affects your present-day reality. Since you experience much of your emotion through creative endeavors, it would serve you well to teach, write or share some of the profound insights you've gained through this time of personal transformation.

hmmmmm... interesting huh?

Hope?

Nobody's saying things will be perfect but...
they may get better right?

Tomorrows...

May the sunshine through and let my dreams come alive!!

Tomorrow is a big day. The wife of the man who wants to but our house is coming to look at it for the first time. She has seen dozens of pictures that he has sent her, but tomorrow she sees for herself all the hard work and labor we have put into this home. My hope is she loves it of course, but also that she will enjoy it more than even I have. Its amazing how much we have done here and how much of ourselves we have put into this place... perhaps that's part of how we lost ourselves and each other. I thought if I ever left this place, I'd never be able to return or visit, but I no longer feel that way. Now, I'd like to see how someone else lives in the place I helped create.

This garden is is moving on...

Autumn Garden

The cherry tree is always the first to drop her shriveled leaves
Littering the yellowing lawn
Her fruit, but a memory of what once was

Sunflowers once smiling tall and bold
hang their heads low from the weight of their dying blooms
saying goodbye to the sweet earth

The once long and slender iris' have given up
their fight with the weeds who
know they have won

As I pull each beauty from the dried soil
little grains of dust pass through my finger tips
reminding me of sand between my toes
and my need to feel earth I have yet to touch.

dlm 10/07

I gave this flower to a friend, but I'm sure it's fine to share it.
It was the last of the giant sunflowers and why it was so small, I do not know.

I think I started with this poem because it was the first day I really knew I would no longer be tending to this garden. My world keeps looking at me with sad eyes and wondering if I will be okay. I know I will be, although I am not sure what my future holds and this can be a little overwhelming, I know I am ready. It's time to end this chapter and begin a new one. I have no regrets about the life I have created for myself. Regrets are for mistakes and mistakes are only made if we don't learn from them, this I truly believe.

Fortune has been my friend... good friends, good family and a good life. Somehow though, I feel the need to experience more. Life rarely turns out how we plan or expect, and who am I to expect anything from a universe that has a greater design? I can not move on from this life I have created angry or with disappointment, although I can not deny those feelings are sometimes there. Instead, I try to look back with pride and fond memories and remember always to learn... no matter how difficult the lessons. Everything happens for a reason even if we can't see it. I know this is true, and try to live by those words. I will be okay world.... don't worry (especially you Dad). I am a strong woman, with a lot to offer this crazy world... and it, has a lot to offer me. The times to come will be another adventure, another learning experience.... because that I believe, is what my life must be about.