poco a poco

Little by little.....
Photo by KMZ age 6

Another weekend spent preparing for the 'next step'. My head is spinning from one 'next step' to the 'next step'. My brother and my dad helped me with my resume this weekend. My dad helped me write and rewrite like he used to do when I was in college stressing about papers that were soon to be due. It was nice to have that kind of support from them. Two were resumes sent out yesterday and silly me was disappointed when there was nothing in my inbox today... I guess some days are like that.

This weekend I also practiced my español... sentía muy bueno... it felt very good. I've been doing a lot of reading and writing Spanish, well some anyway. This weekend I focused on listening and speaking. I was shy at first, but kept listening and repeating and then making my own little sentences... it was fun and it feels good on my mouth :)). The best part was on Saturday night, well kinda, Karen's dog got loose and it was pouring out . I was home alone responsible for the lovely, little beast. I kept walking around the neighborhood calling Chester over and over again! Each time I saw someone I asked if they had seen a black dog... one guy said yes, another no. Then I ran into two guys who,when asked, just looked at me as if I had four heads. So it hit me... I thought for a second and said, "¿Donde es un perro negro?"... "Where is a black dog?" ok... that was as the closest I could think of to "have you seen?". It was funny because I was so proud of myself, I was smiling from ear to ear... they laughed and one guy said, "Dog? No". Oh well, I tried. I even made my tongue roll a bit (perro). I am sure they walked away thinking... 'loco gringa' o...no... 'gringa loco'.... funny.

So I guess that was another little taste of what is yet to come. Hopefully though, in españa, I won't be looking for un perro negro.

PS. Chester made it home safely at around 1AM... and he is really a lovely little beast... I wasn't just saying that.

Being there

My friend J called me Friday night saying she need some TLC... although I had been home from work sick for three days, I grabbed another gf went over and spent some time with her. She is losing her mother, to a slow painful death, which of course is hard for any child to see, no matter how old. We didn't talk much about her mom, but we spoke of many other things. We drank some wine and laughed... laughter and friendship, the best medicines anyone can need. After a while we found ourselves slow dancing to French music in the kitchen and comforting one another... I imagine it would have looked pretty funny for an outsider to see three women holding each other and dancing slow but to us, it was just what we needed.
In my high school yearbook, under my picture, it says, "If you can't be with the one you love, love the one your with." Under that it reads, "I'm just a soul who's intentions are good, oh Lord, please don't let me be misunderstood." Funny that it still holds true today and not just for me, for most anybody. Sometimes we feel like we need more or someone else and sometimes it is just important to appreciate what we have right here in front of us. I was glad J called and told me she needed a friend, as I was in need of some friendship myself and certainly giving is more rewarding then taking... I love my girlfriends... each and everyone.
On another note, while my employer hasn't officially given my leave request approval, my job was posted on Friday. Looks like I will be approved. I spent hours on the phone on Friday trying to figure out the best plan of action for employment in Spain and visa's and so on... it's confusing as hell...lol... but I think I have a solid plan and will be ok... or maybe even better than ok. I know for sure that I am doing the best I know how.
Spring is nearing... I can feel the life coming back to my world. I love this time of year.

change

It's been a while since I have written anything here. So much has been going on and I have been so busy, it's not that I haven't been writing, I have, I just haven't felt ready to share. This week was rather intense though and I guess it's time to write some. Tuesday, March 25th, Ken and I became legally separated. It was a strange feeling, we walked into that hideous city office building and found ourselves a notary. After signing all 4 copies, we sat outside on a bench for a bit, neither one of us knowing what to say..."thanks?", "it's been real?", "have a good life?"...ummmm so we left and hugged good-bye. What a bizarre feeling when both sides know it's for the best and the thing is we don't even hate each other... I mean I have no doubt we have our moments of anger or maybe even hate, but most of the time, we don't hate. I feel fortunate. We always said that if our marriage came to an end we would remain as amicable as possible and I feel like we are truly doing that.

So that was Tuesday, Wednesday I saw my mom who was up from Florida just to help a friend move from Fort Lee, NJ to Florida. Arlene, mom's friend, has been a friend to my family since before I was born. She was a secretary to my dad back in the day. Funny how she and my mom have remained friends throughout all these years. She makes me laugh and I'm glad my mom has a good friend like that.

Thursday... the last day for my Len Ct house to be mine... the closing. Sadness and relief all rolled into one. I am grateful we were able to sell and I am pleased that the new owners seem so happy about buying it. They are a lovely couple, with two beautiful children. The children came to the closing and even though they are just 2 and 4, they were perfectly behaved... I was so impressed. I feel good knowing that such a lovely family will be living in my Len Ct. haven. I always thought that house deserved a family... any family would be lucky to live in such a wonderful place... funny how it's just not for me anymore, even though I still have love in my heart for it.

Friday... TGIFF!!!! What a week and I didn't even mention the chaos throughout my school day!!

But alas... Friday... on this day I handed in a letter to my Director requesting a one year leave of absence so that I can study Spanish and teach English as a Second Language (ESL). I've already signed up for language school in Valencia, Spain for July and am searching for the right online class to take for ESL certification. I'd need to do something different for a year, as much as I love my job, it's very exhausting and has an extremely high burnout rate... I'd like to go back, but for now I need a break before I get to the point of no return and wind up hating every day as some of the teachers I know. I couldn't bare that.... I need to love what I am doing otherwise how will I be any good to the myself or the kids?

Finally, happy hour amongst friends, colleagues, people with whom I have a mutual respect... Lots of laughs and positive thoughts... sure we bitch and moan, but when I'm at work and I need something, these are the people I know have my back... each one of them. We are there for each other like a well-oiled machine. We all bring something unique and important to our program. When we are out together, I can feel our strength and so can others (and not just because we are loud and rowdy)... we are warriors, fighting for the kids no one else will fight for. Loving them, respecting them, influencing them and sometimes even making a difference. I love my job and am so grateful to be part of this team..... but enough already!!!! I need a break!!!!

And through all this change, I found my hope stone, it had been missing for a while and I knew it couldn't be far. Ironically, Thursday night it was returned to me after having clogged Karen's washer... it was a bit battered, but still beautiful. I told her how many times this stone has come back to me. Including when I lent it to a man who really needed it. Although the man returned the stone to me, I hadn't seen that man again until last night, the day after I saw the stone again.... weird right? Well he, Eric, joined us for dinner and there were 6 of us and we ate lots and he, quite generously, picked up the tab... I was shocked, so I once again offered him the hope stone, assuring him I didn't need it because at the moment, I am full of hope!!!!!!! I hope that was thanks enough.

Whoa what a week! Is it July yet?

Adventuras en España

So I have been home a week now and haven't managed to write about my trip to Spain. It's not because I don't want to, everything about the trip was wonderful. I just don't know how or where to begin.

Christmas was my first day there and so the streets of Madrid were very quiet, as was the subway ride to my hostal. It was a nice way to be introduced to Madrid because every day after that, her streets were jammed packed with people enjoying the holiday season. Definite party town, no doubt these folks know how to have a good time. Everything was so different there, the sights, the smells, the way of life. Funny things surprised me like, you cant get coffee to go... why??? I guess because if you are going to have coffee, than you you sit and enjoy it, I could get used to relaxing with cafe con leche.. what could be better?

Aside from the beauty of the streets, it's old buildings and beautiful balconies everywhere and trust me, these things are all very impressive, I was impressed by the number of park benches.... everywhere. It was nice. People just sitting soaking in the sun, mothers watching their babies playing, older gentlemen debating, couples kissing and teasing one another. Everywhere I went I could feel the passion of the people, friendly, warm and full of life.

Valenica was another part of the trip. much smaller, less crowded and on the Mediterranean Sea. Clean and pristine city, but also full of life. The train ride alone would have made this trip worthwhile, but seeing the sights of the city!! Amazing!!! So amazing in fact that, I found myself speechless on more than one occasion and spent most of the day with a lump in my throat ready to cry. Valencia is the perfect city by the sea.... I can only wonder if there are more like it... and how soon until I can go back. By the time the sea was in sight, it was dark and a bit chilly, but the feet went in anyway and danced a bit. Later the waiter said this was good luck.

On my last day in Madrid, I wandered the streets and went to el Raestro, a huge flea market with lots of goodies. By this time, I was less hesitant to attempt Spanish and was able to communicate a bit. ?Cuanto Cuesta? How much?... This was certainly an adventure. I tried to find museo del Prado...but got very lost, so I enjoyed the many benches and sites and drank too much cafe con leche. Later in the evening I met a clan Irish guys and taught them to speak New Yawk style... "How you doin'?" was the phrase of the evening...quite funny. We watched American football on a wide-screen tv while they drank their Irish beers and I enjoyed my el ron y coca. Funny to watch American Football in a foreign land and have everyone around me know more about it than me... I don't even like football, but I liked meeting people that I could speak with and it was all part of the experience.

I miss everything about my trip already and would go back tomorrow if I could...the sites, the smells, the tastes and the passion, what a beautiful place!!! I think I could like being a gringa there for a while!! Thank you Spain!! Thank You!!

Feliz Navidad

Merry Christmas or Feliz Navidad to me I guess. I’m sitting in JFK Airport waiting for my flight that leaves in about 4 hours. I was lucky enough to have a friend drop me off door to door service, but earlier than I had hoped. Not that I’m complaining mind you, I am grateful for the lift, the company and not having to pay to park my car. Never in my life have I seen an airport so quiet, but the pigeons seemed to be enjoying it.

Well, it’s been a crazy year, that’s for sure. I’m glad to have the end of this year go out with a bang, so to speak. Though I remain grateful for everyone and everything I have in my life, I am also grateful for the changes that are taking place and proud to be taking the steps that need to happen to ensure these changes.

Ken’s in New Mexico visiting his folks, I’m glad he is amongst people that love him, he deserves that. It was strange saying goodbye to him, really felt like the end of an era, like there is no going back for either of us. Luckily though, we have managed to remain friends and I hope that continues throughout all of this hardship and beyond.

I’m going to Spain!! Exciting and different, that’s the name of 2008 for me. Ch-ch-changes, strange and unusual changes. Wishing everyone, or anyone, who reads this a wonderful Christmas and a very happy New Year!!!

More to come over the next few days.

New home

December is here, another year come and almost gone. So much has happened and changed in my life this year, I can hardly believe it. I moved in with a friend yesterday, I'll stay here for a while at least. Its nice, I have the attic room finished and cozy. I'm still unpacking and trying to make it feel like my very own. Work keeps me busy as usual and I have been doing a lot of reading, writing and painting again...though not so much this weekend. It snowed today, first time this season.. It was nice to see, but I always like it better when it snows on a school day, feel like a little kid all over again when I get the phone call saying there is a delay or better yet no school at all.

Although it feels good to move on, it's also kind of sad to leave. It's funny, I think this experience has caused both Ken and me to grow, but we continue to grow in different directions. I think we will both be ok, but we have a lot to work out and to work on. The good news is we are both trying, so I think that counts for something. Please feel free to email or call either of us... it helps to know people are supporting.

By the way, I'm taking my first European vacation... Spain from Christmas Eve to New Year's Eve!!
I'm looking forward to enjoying every bit of it.

My horoscope for 2007

Leo

Your sunny disposition will bring harmony into your life this year, resulting in an integration of all that you are becoming. Your love for pleasure and natural beauty will help you recreate yourself. You are dynamically active with lots of friends and group associations, and you love diversity and stimulation.

Guard against taking on too much responsibility this year, otherwise you might end up feeling overloaded. Take care of your personal needs, and maintain your sense of well being. You seek comfort and security, and you'll benefit from periodic retreats and spending time in nature in order to keep positive boundaries. This is a good time to explore your inner character and high standards, and reevaluate what you believe is important.

The passion you feel this year will lead to a powerful relationship you may have never known. Examine your connection to your past and assess how it affects your present-day reality. Since you experience much of your emotion through creative endeavors, it would serve you well to teach, write or share some of the profound insights you've gained through this time of personal transformation.

hmmmmm... interesting huh?

Hope?

Nobody's saying things will be perfect but...
they may get better right?

Tomorrows...

May the sunshine through and let my dreams come alive!!

Tomorrow is a big day. The wife of the man who wants to but our house is coming to look at it for the first time. She has seen dozens of pictures that he has sent her, but tomorrow she sees for herself all the hard work and labor we have put into this home. My hope is she loves it of course, but also that she will enjoy it more than even I have. Its amazing how much we have done here and how much of ourselves we have put into this place... perhaps that's part of how we lost ourselves and each other. I thought if I ever left this place, I'd never be able to return or visit, but I no longer feel that way. Now, I'd like to see how someone else lives in the place I helped create.

This garden is is moving on...

Autumn Garden

The cherry tree is always the first to drop her shriveled leaves
Littering the yellowing lawn
Her fruit, but a memory of what once was

Sunflowers once smiling tall and bold
hang their heads low from the weight of their dying blooms
saying goodbye to the sweet earth

The once long and slender iris' have given up
their fight with the weeds who
know they have won

As I pull each beauty from the dried soil
little grains of dust pass through my finger tips
reminding me of sand between my toes
and my need to feel earth I have yet to touch.

dlm 10/07

I gave this flower to a friend, but I'm sure it's fine to share it.
It was the last of the giant sunflowers and why it was so small, I do not know.

I think I started with this poem because it was the first day I really knew I would no longer be tending to this garden. My world keeps looking at me with sad eyes and wondering if I will be okay. I know I will be, although I am not sure what my future holds and this can be a little overwhelming, I know I am ready. It's time to end this chapter and begin a new one. I have no regrets about the life I have created for myself. Regrets are for mistakes and mistakes are only made if we don't learn from them, this I truly believe.

Fortune has been my friend... good friends, good family and a good life. Somehow though, I feel the need to experience more. Life rarely turns out how we plan or expect, and who am I to expect anything from a universe that has a greater design? I can not move on from this life I have created angry or with disappointment, although I can not deny those feelings are sometimes there. Instead, I try to look back with pride and fond memories and remember always to learn... no matter how difficult the lessons. Everything happens for a reason even if we can't see it. I know this is true, and try to live by those words. I will be okay world.... don't worry (especially you Dad). I am a strong woman, with a lot to offer this crazy world... and it, has a lot to offer me. The times to come will be another adventure, another learning experience.... because that I believe, is what my life must be about.